


down all your darkest roads

by ziasann



Series: you, who shot a bullet through my demons [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi's pov, Bipolar Bokuto Koutarou, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Suicidal Ideations, Konoha helping out, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Night Terrors, Pre-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziasann/pseuds/ziasann
Summary: Bokuto calling him out of the blue was expected. He says random stuff over things he recently discovered or was excited about.  But Bokuto calling at 1:14 AM—who was eerily silent when Akaashi answered, it’s a different thing wholly.“Bokuto-san, do you know what time it is?”“Y-yes, I...I’m sorry.” Shaky breaths puffed in his phone’s speaker. “..I’ll hang-”“Wait, what happened?”Akaashi heard a deep exhale, like how Bokuto channeled his confidence before a match.“I can’t remember.” His r was ragged, no- “I woke up and felt like this. Like everything is so dark and it’s really...really hard to breathe.”He traced over the list of weaknesses his ace has, and he doesn’t find this one.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: you, who shot a bullet through my demons [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778824
Comments: 12
Kudos: 217





	down all your darkest roads

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'd like to warn everyone please don't romanticize mental illnesses. This fic reflects on personal experiences with mood disorder. I dedicate it to the Akaashi of my life, who tolerated me with my mood swings and helped me a lot. This is my first Haikyuu fic, I hope everyone enjoys it! 
> 
> I've only finished Season 4, but I've gotten spoilers. I hope I didn't make any much mistake. 
> 
> The quotes are songs from Halsey. (title, album)

**_and I tried to hold these secrets inside me_ **

**_my mind's like a deadly disease_ **

**_(control, badlands)_ **

Akaashi supposed it was a coincidence, not fate when he stayed up late tonight cramming his English homework because he spent too much time practicing with Bokuto. 

His fingers skimming along with the keyboard, typing each answer in correspondence to the essay questions. His phone was silent from text messages so he won’t be disturbed.

But calls, he had to leave it on in case it was an emergency.

His phone was vibrating wildly on his desk, Akaashi glanced at it and read the time and caller:  **_1:14 AM_ **

Caller:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

The blinking line in his Word document abruptly stops. Bokuto calling him out of the blue was expected. He says random stuff over things he recently discovered or was excited about. But...checking the time on his computer, making sure it was indeed one in the morning had Akaashi’s assumption for this late-night call undecided.

He saved his work just in case and picked up the ringing phone. When he flips the device open, automatically connecting their lines, he prepares himself for a loud, boisterous voice.

He waits for whatever intrigued Bokuto at such an hour. When he receives nothing, Akaashi reads his phone thinking Bokuto ended it already. 

But the seconds counted by his phone screen, the call still ongoing.

The muted silence caught Akaashi off-guard. His mind shuffles for deductions, a prank, maybe? 

“Bokuto-san, do you know what time it is?” He reprimands.

“Y-yes, I...I’m sorry.” Shaky breaths puffed in his phone’s speaker. “..I’ll hang-”

_ No, something’s wrong.  _

“Wait, what happened?” 

Akaashi heard a deep exhale, like how Bokuto-san channeled his confidence before a match. Yet, somehow, this feels different.

“I can’t remember.” His  _ r  _ was ragged, no- “I woke up and felt like this. Like everything is so dark and it’s really... _ really  _ hard to breathe.”

Bokuto’s words were rushed, he was panicking. Bothered by something he didn’t even know. Akaashi accidentally bit his lip, his grip over his phone tightening. The blinking cursor in his assignment mocking him.

He traced over the list of weaknesses his ace has, and he doesn’t find this one.

*******

Akaashi wasn’t able to attend practice in the morning, he slept in for a few minutes. He barely managed to enter his first-class without running around the hallways.

His mind wasn’t even in class, the algebra teacher noted polynomials in the board. He wondered whether last night was a dream. As he tried to recall the conversation, he wondered if Bokuto ever realized he called him. He didn’t remember Bokuto explicitly saying his name.

Bokuto woke up in the middle of the night, without any recollection of what led him to a panic state and alerted Akaashi.

He comforted him with all the phrases he could, “ _ it’s okay, you’re alright,” “it’s gonna be fine.” _ and the  _ “i’m here for you”  _ almost slipped from his lips. It ended with Bokuto-san being quiet, his breaths stabilizing and Akaashi figured he’s sleeping. He let the line go on for five more minutes, as he completed his homework. 

After assuring Bokuto’s resting soundly, only then Akaashi cut the call. 

Time faded fast for Akaashi’s liking, as he contemplated the incident throughout the day. Maybe he’s just overthinking the issue, but then again, the words  _ panic attack  _ and  _ Bokuto-san _ doesn’t fit too snugly.  _ A panic attack in the middle of the night where Bokuto-san didn’t know what triggered it? _

The school bell tolled, and before Akaashi knew it, Bokuto was waving around his classroom’s door. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi!”  _ He seemed fine now.  _ “Practice time!”

“You don’t have to come here after class to get me, you know.” He slung his gym bag over his shoulder and approached Fukurodani’s volleyball captain. 

His other classmates peeked at them, his ears blushed pink at what was insinuated. 

“Eh, I’m here to make sure our precious setter won’t ditch. You’re too valuable.” Bokuto grinned as they walked towards the gymnasium. 

The sun was setting and students either proceeded with their club activities or other extracurriculars. Akaashi stared long and hard at Bokuto who rambled nonsensical dialogues.

The rubbing bags under those golden eyes did not fool him.

“Bokuto-san,” Both of them halted in their tracks. “Did you sleep well last night?”

The five-second gap in his response told everything Akaashi needed.

“Ha? I’m fine! I bet I can spike every toss you’ll throw today.” Bokuto pumped his fist, jumping and sprinting towards the entrance of the court.

Running away from everything.

“Come on, Akaashi!” Bokuto encouraged, smiled wide, and all. 

He wished his mind wasn’t in overdrive when it regards Bokuto Koutarou. He checked out his captain from head to toe, built strong and unyielding. Like he could take on the world, and the man Akaashi consoled last night wasn’t him.

“You’re staring weirdly today.”

The question hit Akaashi like that volleyball receives the team worked on.

“It’s nothing, Bokuto-san. Let’s practice.”

_ Is he pretending it didn’t happen _

_ Or _

_ He didn’t remember it happened? _

* * *

**_I flew too closely to the sun that's setting in the east_ **

**_and now I'm melting from my wings_ **

**_(angel on fire, hopeless fountain kingdom)_ **

He didn’t want to pay much attention to the strange call beforehand. That didn’t ease his underlying worry for the captain though. His tosses were pinpointed, Bokuto hitting it. The rest of the team was proud of the coordination.

During the middle of the mock match, Bokuto wasn’t able to achieve his good spikes. This led to him sliding into a depressed aura, until Akaashi created an opportunity and lifted his spirits. Bokuto’s confidence was back, wasting no second left of their match. 

Akaashi threw the ball in Bokuto’s direction again, once he got used to the height they’re perfecting with. He zeroed in on Bokuto’s movements, flawless and graceful as ever.

As soon as Bokuto sped to the target position, Bokuto spared him a side-glance. Just a minuscule look, before his palm, spiked the ball. The impact wasn’t the loudest, a bit off in regards to their ace’s standards.

“You’re quiet, Akaashi.” Bokuto noted.

“You shouldn’t be distracted, Bokuto-san.” He swung his head, Bokuto beamed.

“Can’t help it when my setter’s too busy staring at me!” 

Akaashi averted Bokuto’s jeering gaze and grin, praying his blush will be excused as exhaustion from practice. The team chuckled, and the coach whistled the end of their practice. 

“Awwww, everyone’s going home,” Bokuto whined, Akaashi didn’t like how his ears alarmed to the warning of an emo-Bokuto incoming. Again. 

The first years and his fellow second years said their goodbyes and dressed in the locker rooms. Bokuto crouched on the wall of the gymnasium, grabbing his bottle of water and uncapped it. For a moment, Bokuto was just holding the cold tumbler, not drinking.

“Bokuto’s right, you’re busy staring.” Konoha chided as he stood next to Akaashi. Konoha followed Akaashi’s line of the periphery. Bokuto was unaware of the unwarranted watching of the two. 

“I’ve been playing with Bokuto-san for a year and a half now. I can’t help but notice some  _ things. _ ” But what kind of  _ things?  _ Even Akaashi didn’t know how to explain the churning feelings he had the more he observed Bokuto.

Just a dreaded instinct he cannot name.

Bokuto sighed long, placing his bottle on the waxed floor with a  _ plop _ . His features, once bright and excited, cascading into gloominess. Like this fruitful and productive practice, even in Akaashi’s opinion, it wasn't enough for Bokuto. 

“It’s getting recent and quicker, you think so too?” Akaashi swivelled his gaze to Konoha who also hinted worry in his tone.

“It was quite a shock how fast it swung today.” He nodded, definite that he and Konoha were on the same page.

“Did anything happen, Akaashi?” His nerves frazzled at the query, suddenly feeling pressure from the fact that his teammates, even Bokuto’s batchmates, trust him enough to know everything about Bokuto.

He hung his head, shame prickling his skin. How was he supposed to say that Bokuto called him one night, having a presumed anxiety attack, and forgot it the next morning?

“I don’t know, Konoha-san.” 

“We’ll figure it out, look, he’s going to ask you to practice again.” Konoha put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, Akaashi met Bokuto’s pondering face.

Konoha strutted away from them, the nets and balls still in the court. The volleyball team ingrained it in their heads to better not store the equipment away since Bokuto and Akaashi often had extra hour exercises.

Bokuto approached him, blank and examining Akaashi. 

He tried guessing what was running on Bokuto’s mind now but also ended up empty-handed. Was Bokuto even looking at him or  _ through  _ him? 

Once Bokuto was in touching distance, he waited for Bokuto’s after-practice invitation. That was the routine, the team finished their drills, and Bokuto will ask him to stay with him for half an hour or two. Akaashi agrees, he will always do.

But Bokuto was quiet, just staring, and the invitation hung heavy between their heads.

“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi snapped his fingers.

Bokuto jolted out of his reverie and babbled an invitation. They played for around 45 minutes before cleaning up the gym and exiting the school gates. Akaashi, since it was only the two of them, took the liberty of thinking about the strangeness of Bokuto’s behavior.

The way Bokuto conversed about anything, filling up the silence between. His stories were quick-paced, dashing from one topic to another. The groan of frustration harsher as Bokuto counted his missed spikes. Then, happily shouting his victory when they conducted the perfect attack.

For only half an hour and a quarter, Akaashi was drained from the extra practice, surveying Bokuto in both skills and mood, and also Bokuto’s unnecessary chatter.

When they were at the locker room, the tales of his ace didn’t prolong. Akaashi chalked it up to tiredness, he was changing his jersey shirt back into his uniform. The eerie silence of the area crept upon him. He couldn’t hear the usual creak of the locker doors, nor the rustling of changing clothes from the other side.

Akaashi moved hesitantly, he peeked over the dividing cabinets, Bokuto’s sweaty back bare at his sight. His cheeks reddened and swatted the hormones away. Bokuto was not attempting to wear the uniform in front of him, that should be the focus. 

His mouth opened to speak, but Bokuto ruffled his head, pulling the uniform over his body. 

He was right, Bokuto-san was spacing out...and the unnecessary chatter was a distraction for that reality.

*******

Akaashi crossed one assignment from his to-do list, there were only two remaining and they were under his favorite subjects. He rested for a while, spinning in his chair, staring at the ceiling. He shut his eyes from the blinding light, his earlier assumptions gnawing at him.

Bokuto’s mood swings were famous for their right, almost everyone thought it was a part of his personality. Even Akaashi thought so too. He spent months finding a pattern in those mood swings, using it to adjust in Bokuto’s gameplay. 

Yet now, Bokuto was rather unpredictable. Was it a good thing? Or bad?

His phone pinged, Akaashi opened his eyes and reached for it on his table. He blinked when he read the sender and content of the message.

From:  _ Konoha-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> How’s our ace?**

Akaashi typed in, sorting out what he discovered.

To: _Konoha-san_ _(Fukurodani VBC)_

**_> _ ** **He’s spacing out and distracted.**

From:  _ Konoha-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> Is his actions exaggerated?**

Akaashi thought of it for a moment, and the answer was easy.

To: _Konoha-san_ _(Fukurodani VBC)_

**_> _ ** **Yes.**

His screen then signaled another message, but it was from Bokuto. He checked the mail, there was a picture attached. 

From:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**_> _ ** **Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi! Look at this picture I found! LMAO**

**Attached: ash_pikachu.jpg**

The photo downloaded, and Akaashi saw an edited Ash from Pokemon, hugging Pikachu in a bathtub filled with water. The quote saying, “ _ Pikachu, finish it with a thunderbolt.” _

To:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**_> _ ** **This is dark humor, Bokuto-san.**

From:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> Oh really...I guess…**

To:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> Are you okay?**

From:  _ Bokuto-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> I’m fine! Sorry to bother anyway, g’night, Akaash!**

_ He deflected?  _ Akaashi composed a message, delivering to Konoha. 

To: _Konoha-san_ _(Fukurodani VBC)_

**> He just sent a dark joke, I think something’s wrong.**

From:  _ Konoha-san (Fukurodani VBC) _

**> Let’s just check and wait for him. **

After an acquiesced reply, Akaashi fulfilled his last two assignments. He exited his browsers, and documents. As his mouse pointer was about to click on the shutting down function, a thought flashed by. He opened the search engine, keying the phrases.

**SEARCH: moody, distracting, talking fast friend**

Several links popped up on the page, each one intensifying the dreaded emotion Akaashi may finally discover the name of.

**_Depression Symptoms and Warning Signs - HelpGuide.org_ **

**_Mania Episode: Definition, Symptoms, Traits, Causes, Treatment_ **

**_What Does It Feel Like to Have Bipolar Disorder? A Personal …_ **

**_Bipolar moods & symptoms | Mind, the mental health charity …_ **

He scanned the articles thoroughly, dissuading himself with the symptoms listed. Yet as he carded through the research, the more he understood Bokuto’s behavior. It’s like the paragraphs were written to describe Bokuto. 

Akaashi decided to refrain from divulging in the topic any longer. He has no right to accuse someone of an issue he didn’t fully know of. Maybe Bokuto just encountered academic or family problems affecting his drastic mood changes. And maybe he wasn’t ready to share any of that to his friends. Some people are private with their struggles, after all.

He scrolled up, about to exit but his eyes were drawn in an article he missed earlier. 

**_Vivid Dreams, Nightmares, and Night Terrors in Bipolar Disorder_ **

_ > A night terror isn't a dream, but rather an abrupt awakening accompanied by physical symptoms like feelings of intense fear, screaming or thrashing, and elevated heart rate and blood pressure, among others. During a night terror, the person awakes in a state of terror and is typically confused and inconsolable. They may or may not recall the episode in the morning. _

Akaashi pinched his scrunched eyebrows, he massaged his temples and concluded he searched enough. 

“Bokuto-san…”

* * *

**_go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head_ **

**_set a fire in my head, tonight_ **

**_(trouble - stripped, room 93)_ **

Denial was the first stage. 

Akaashi was not a doctor, nor a counselor. He’s not in the place to diagnose a friend. He should avoid the prospect of Bokuto who’s struggling with a mood disorder, even when it all made sense in Akaashi’s perspective.

He pushed the line of thought away, not now. As long as Bokuto wasn’t injuring himself, there’s no need to tackle a controversial theory. Mental health in this society was an issue hidden under wraps. Like an elephant in the room. Everybody’s aware of the dangers, yet people fear speaking up about it.

Konoha had been stealing glances with him, and gesturing towards Bokuto. In their morning warm-ups, Bokuto was as energetic as a lightning bolt. Akaashi could feel being worn out just by staring at their ace. Obnoxious in such an early hour.

“Man, Bokuto’s hyper today, it feels tiring to watch.” Third-year Washio yawned, Bokuto’s proclamations heard in the background.

“He looks really happy today.” Their first-year said. Akaashi agreed. Bokuto was pouring out all this morning. The volleyball squeaked as it struck the waxed surface, Bokuto laughing soon after.

“Did you see that, Akaashi? I did a nice serve!” The captain looked at him, golden eyes in mirth and joy. Akaashi didn’t want to take that away from him for the meantime.

“You did. Congratulations.” He said.

“I don’t have to study at lunch later, let’s eat, ne?” Bokuto asked, no, rather, he insisted. 

Despite the one year difference, Bokuto spent lunch with him from time to time. At first, it was rooted in the fact that he was scouting Akaashi as the vice-captain. When Akaashi was in second-year, promoted as vice-captain of the volleyball club, Bokuto prompted their lunches as “ _ captain and vice-captain bonding”,  _ to be more efficient in their responsibilities.

It’s more of Akaashi reminding Bokuto the deadlines of their reports, and writing drafts for sponsorship and excuse letters in matches. 

Lately, Bokuto was preparing for his college examinations, apart from being an ace captain, he also had academics. His scholarship will be forfeited should he ever failed. That meant less lunch time with Akaashi, not that he minded. 

“Yeah, sure.” He said. 

Bokuto was fine, Akaashi just delved into the wrong side of the internet. They’ll lift Bokuto’s spirits whenever he’s down and the team will perform smoothly. 

Classes filed in, Akaashi submitted his science reports and received his previous assignments with a proficient grade. Everything’s good, no need to tug on the loose end tickling his worrywart instincts. 

The lunch bell rang, Bokuto waving his hand in his classroom’s door. Some of his classmates did not mind the senior, used to his presence. Some teased Akaashi, “ _ that’s our vice-captain!”  _ to which he brushed off.

Bokuto was talkative, but the discourse was soothing. Not hurried, or an attempt to destroy any awkward silences. Not that those slid by anymore since his first-year. They bought flavored bread in the cafeteria and trotted upstairs. 

“You think we’ll catch a confession on the rooftop, again?” Bokuto jested, elbowing Akaashi.

“It’s not confession season, I think,” Akaashi recalled experiencing the Fukurodani culture.

“Eyy, any season is confession season!” He exclaimed, barging on the rooftop. The wind breezing past them, their blazers and neckties fluttering. Akaashi clutched on his bread tightly. 

Luckily, no one hanged out here today. The sun was high but not scorching. The air is a cool reminder of the autumn crawling in. They settled in the corner of the rooftop, the view providing them a third-person perspective of their beloved gymnasium. 

They untied the cover of their bento boxes, Akaashi with his silver wrap and Bokuto with his owl designed cloth. After counting their blessings for the food, they indulged in the lunches they brought. Akaashi offered an egg roll while Bokuto placed his sushi in Akaashi’s bento.

A brown leaf flew in between them, they both gaped at the dancing leaf, carried away by the wind. Akaashi enjoyed the atmosphere, a small smile forming in his lips. Bokuto wasn’t grinning but he also had a serene expression Akaashi rarely spot, he appreciated it nevertheless.

“Must be nice, to fly away like that.” Bokuto mused.

“You fly in the court like that.” Akaashi honestly admitted. 

“I suppose that’s the closest thing to flying for me.” A question tingled his curiosity, and Akaashi queried.

“Why do you want to fly, Bokuto-san?”

“So I could be free.” Bokuto peered at the gymnasium, then at the clouded sky. Eyes forlorn, and longing.

Akaashi had the urge to hold him right there. The fear of Bokuto flying too high, unable for him to reach, eating him up. He thought he was okay with supporting Bokuto on the ground, listlessly admiring him as he made him fly. 

The idea of Bokuto seeing something in the sky, and wanting to arrive there. Akaashi cannot see it, and he was afraid Bokuto won’t come back anymore should he make him fly again. 

*******

His tosses in the afternoon practice should be good, he was in tune with Bokuto. Their signals were nothing complicated, Bokuto demands, and Akaashi delivers. Akaashi tried again and again, yet why…

The ball zooms past Bokuto’s spiking range. It should be perfect, his hands and fingers were conditioned and the ball is where Akaashi needed it to be. He attempted again a toss, adjusting with Bokuto’s jump and timing.

The ball bouncing on the floor echoed in the gymnasium. The team surveying their setter and captain with confusion. 

_ It’s not me… _

“Ugh, what’s wrong with today?” Bokuto groaned and tugged his gray-dyed hair. 

“Bokuto-san-”

“You’re missing Akaashi’s tosses.” Konoha flat-out stated. Their other members glimpsed at each other, exchanging nods.

“One more, Akaashi!” Bokuto shrieked, their manager threw a ball in Akaashi’s direction. His foot stance with the right amount of distance between his legs. His power aimed at the accuracy of his set-up. 

Bokuto leaped, Akaashi cradled the volleyball in his palms and set as Bokuto drew strength from his arm. 

_ Nice. _

The ball skidded on the court floor, spinning as it lost momentum. Their fellow teammates sighed, avoiding another of Bokuto’s emo-mode. Akaashi never thought of it hard but Bokuto’s mood always affected the entire group.

“Bokuto, you’re bleeding.” Konoha pointed out, Akaashi sprinted towards their captain. Maybe that’s why the impact of his hand on the ball was deafening. Akaashi should have noticed, he was complacent on the knowledge that Bokuto hit a spike.

As he neared Bokuto, he expected some exhilaration on those features. Akaashi grasped for his injured fingers and when he met Bokuto’s gaze, Akaashi almost backpedaled.

There were tears in the corner of his eyes. Bokuto gritted his teeth, flexing his wounded hand.

“Bokuto-san.”

“I...I couldn’t hit it perfectly.” Bokuto pleaded on his eyes, “I’m so sorry-”

“It’s not your fault.”

“ _ It is! _ ” With that, Bokuto escaped from his hold and fled towards the locker rooms. Konoha traded looks with their teammates, all having a silent agreement and gesturing towards Akaashi.

The club will leave this matter to them. 

“Thank you!” Akaashi bowed, clenched his palm where droplets of Bokuto’s blood smudged. He followed Bokuto’s steps. 

He ran, calculating solutions for Bokuto’s out-of-the-blue tantrum. At the same time, he dreaded what scene he’d arrive at. The locker area’s door slammed open, and Akaashi wasted no time leaving Bokuto alone with self-deprecating thoughts.

The articles and essays he digested on the internet a few nights ago flooded back to him. He shook his head as the words  _ outbursts, impulsivity,  _ and  _ blaming one’s self _ overwhelmed his mind. 

He barged into the locker room, ingesting the Bokuto who crouched on the benches, hands slapping his face. Even the air tasted too much anguish, and it said a lot considering Akaashi contributed years of his existence dealing with Bokuto’s mood swings. 

“Stop following me.”  _ He’s pushing me away?  _ Still, Akaashi stood his ground.

“You’re not okay, Bokuto-san.”

“I’m fucking fine!” Bokuto grunted.

Akaashi winced at the tone, they’ve had their share of desperations, and low moments but this one Akaashi didn’t anticipate for.

A lump leadened on his throat. He stumbled a few steps back. His breathing ragged as his hands trembled at his sides.

“Akaashi…” Bokuto removed his hands from his face, and realization dawned on him. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Why were his eyes stinging like this? “I’ll give you space.”

He stepped away from Bokuto gently. As he turned in the corridor, Konoha was leaning on the wall. The team doing their cooldowns in the middle of the gymnasium.

“Konoha-san, I think…I think..” Once again, he was at a loss for words. How should he say that Bokuto’s mood swings affect the team and their relationship treads on dangerous waters? 

Akaashi thought he'd give up the idea of a  _ mood disorder  _ with Bokuto but now that Bokuto injured himself, straining his relationship with his friends, how could Akaashi turn a blind eye to these blatant signs?

“I think Bokuto knows it too, Akaashi.” Konoha comforted him.

It still didn’t prevent the tears from his eyes trickling down.

* * *

**_i've been trying all my life_ **

**_to separate the time_ **

**_in between the having it all_ **

**_and giving it up, yeah_ **

**_(suga's interlude, manic)_ **

Akaashi wasn’t able to attend morning practice again the next day, he stayed up late last night diving deep in the internet searching for answers. The club would certainly execute some punishment for a vice-captain twice missing drills. The voice of his subconscious whispered that his current predicament with the captain was enough torture already.

His mind wasn’t even in class, the geometry teacher scribbled polygons on the board. He wondered whether yesterday was a nightmare. As he tried to recall the conversation, he cannot overcome the fear sneaking under his skin.

The lunch bell rang, his classmates tapping him on the shoulder. They gestured towards the door of their room, a third-year signaling him to come. His classmates ogled at the senior, unused to the dirty blonde hair instead of the silver streaks in black. 

“Konoha-san,” Akaashi hung his head, “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to attend-”

“He waited for you this morning,” Konoha said, yet there’s no disappointment in his tone. “Honestly, I thought he’s with you right now. Then I saw you in the room.”

“Wait, why?” 

“Bokuto said he’d talk to you, I quote, ‘I don’t want to leave things with Akaashi like that,’ before flying off to his first class.’”

_ Leave Akaashi. _

_ Flying off. _

_ “Why do you want to fly, Bokuto-san?” _

_ “So I could be free.”  _

Unexplained terror seized his being, Konoha was shouting his name as he ran past him. There was no reason for the anxiety shuddering inside him now, but it escalated as he leaped two to three steps reaching the uppermost floor of Fukurodani High. 

_ Is that what you see in the sky, Bokuto-san? _

A sentence appeared in his mind, picture-perfect from his online readings last night. 

_ Find them help, and don’t leave your friend alone.  _

Akaashi slammed the door to the rooftop wide, his breath panting. God, he wished he wasn’t too late, he wished he was wrong…

Bokuto was on the criss-cross fence, looking ready to climb over the wall and fly. His fingers slotted on the diamond metal gaps, supporting his weight. 

“Bokuto-san!” 

His heart was hammering to get out of his chest.

Bokuto swiveled his head, meeting his intense stare. He hoped his eyes could portray the words he never had the strength to utter.

“It’s not what you think.” Bokuto elaborated, yet his hand does not let go, holding onto the wall dividing his life and his freedom.

A gust of wind flowed between the gap Akaashi took a step to close. One by one, he inched near his captain whose wings were ready to spread and join the skies.

“I know, you just want to fly,” Akaashi noted Bokuto releasing his grip from the edge. He hasn’t jumped down yet to the tiles of the rooftop.

He was in front of Bokuto who was standing on the ledge with a wall behind him chaining him to be free. He tilted his gaze towards the golden eyes, sunlight reflecting on those irises, almost hurting Akaashi’s sight. 

“I’m so sorry...I don’t know, I just feel things..out of hand, with no reason…” He heard the choking sound emanating from Bokuto’s throat. His injured fist crumpling the side of his blue blazer.

_ He was so tall, so high…like a star belonging in the skies. _

“Many people already told me, they’re concerned with my mood swings.” Bokuto avoided his stare. “I denied it, I thought it was just really a part of me.”

Akaashi grasped for his injured fist, prying the fingers off the tension one by one. He pinched his thumb in the skin, massaging knots from it. 

“Third-year was so stressful, there’s exams, and choosing careers, and the volleyball team-” Akaashi felt the tears wetting on their hands. “I can’t show them I’m weak, you’re all taking care of me.”

“I wanted to control it, but the more...the more I tried, the more it slipped away.” Akaashi wiped the stray tears on their hands with the back of his palm.

“I’m sorry I can’t explain it better, I don’t even understand, I feel so lonely-”

He cupped those hands turning cold in his, the autumn air surrounding them. He blew his breath over the skin, then finally looked up to the star whose light blinds him sometimes. Bokuto, quivering in his hold, wings laid bare before him. 

“I can’t go with you wherever you fly, but if you need a branch to rest in,” Akaashi showed a faint smile, “You can rest in mine.”

Bokuto’s eyes widened, and Akaashi wasn’t prepared for the bawling. 

“ _ Akaashi! _ ” Bokuto pulled his hands away and jumped to embrace him. His arms positioned, ready to catch him like a volleyball for a toss.

He wasn’t prepared for the fall, neither was Bokuto but Akaashi lied on the pavement with Bokuto crying on his shoulder. His hands patted his captain’s heaving back and brushed the hair along the back of his head. The sun set on a cloudless sky, the breeze also a comforting factor.

“Thank you...that means a lot to me.” Bokuto croaked up.

Akaashi hummed, they’re both probably late to their next class. The volleyball club might impose punishments this afternoon on them, their captain, who walked out the practice yesterday, and their vice-captain who missed two practices already.

With Bokuto in his arms, at the school rooftop where their memories piled, he thought those punishments will surely be worth it. 

* * *

**_I know you're chokin' on your fears_ **

**_Already told you I'm right here_ **

**_I will stay by your side every night_ **

**_(be kind)_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Trivia: Halsey was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, that's why her songs were something I found relatable.  
> Some parts of the story may be confusing, and it's true, Bipolar is confusing. I guess I also wrote this fic to spread awareness on how bipolar really is. This fic is really close to my heart. 
> 
> The title is from Halsey's recent song: Graveyard. The links Akaashi was searching in the internet are real. I'll paste the article here about the night terrors: https://www.verywellmind.com/does-bipolar-disorder-affect-dreams-380570
> 
> I hope I entered the haikyuu fandom with a bang. 
> 
> Leave kudos and comments below if you liked it!
> 
> Follow my twitter account [@ziasann](https://twitter.com/ziasann) for more HQ memes and shenanigans.  
> Subscribe to my tumblr account [ziasann](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ziasann) for more HQ drabbles and stories.


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